Holiday Gatherings, Difficult Conversations and the Window of Tolerance
With holidays around the corner, more than a few of us may be wondering how we are going to show up to our family with authenticity, integrity and peace at the Thanksgiving table. The world feels increasingly polarized, and many of us find ourselves at odds with our dearest family members' social or political ideas. Social media encourages us to discuss progressive ideas with our family members and engage in dinner table activism to broaden our perspectives and create a more welcoming and inclusive world.
However, many of us have also tried a conversation, whether it was about our child's gender identity or sexual orientation, or challenging a family member on their racist views, and the result was an eruption into conflict or an icy shutdown.
How, then, can we live out our truths and have difficult conversations with family members about the world and polarizing ideas?
It all comes down to timing.
Dan Seigel developed a tool to help his clients understand their own nervous system, called the “window of tolerance." Essentially, the window of tolerance conceptualizes how big our capacity is for life events, stressors, difficult conversations or reminders of trauma before we find ourselves in states of hyperarousal (fight, flight, rage outburst, anxiety) and hypoarousal (freeze, shutdown, spacing out and not listening).
If we consider the concept of a window of tolerance, we can begin to assess our (and others) capacity for difficult conversations. Is the person you want to speak to regulated, or are they already out of their window of tolerance due to the stress of being around a lot of people? Are you within your tolerance window, with enough space to accept challenges without succumbing to hyper- or hypo-arousal? Do you feel calm and grounded? All helpful considerations before bringing an issue to the figurative and literal table.
Kai Cheng Thom has elaborated on the concept of the window of tolerance in relation to community conflict, referring to it as the "window of transformation." When we are both in our windows of tolerance, transformation is possible. People are less likely to slip into a dysregulated state and become defensive, angry or checked out. Our timing is everything.
Window of Transformation
So how do we know if we are in our window of tolerance? We can look for physiological cues; for example, if your heart rate is elevated or if Aunty Elizabeth’s hands are sweaty and her cheeks are red, neither of you may be ready for a challenging conversation in that moment. Assessing another person's state of being without asking them is more challenging, so it's important to first check in with yourself and your capacity before engaging in difficult conversations. This will help prevent tension from rising to the point of an eruption or shutdown.
We want to have these conversations; they are important, but are we ready? If sharing our perspective pushes people further out of their at-that-moment tenuous place within their window of tolerance, it is possible they will become more entrenched in their views. We tend to make more positive changes when everyone has the capacity for the conversation, and understanding how the windows of tolerance and transformation function can help us assess our own and others' capacity at any given moment.
Needing some support? Click here to book a free virtual consultation with one of our therapists!
Written by: Jenni Evans MSW Intern
Jenni is completing her Masters of Social Work at Wilfrid Laurier University and works with people to understand the nature of peace, power and conflict within their relationships and how to bring more compassion, honesty and felt safety into conversations. She works with a trauma informed lens, and a deep commitment to non-judgement. Jenni is currently accepting new clients and offering free consultations to those with financial challenges and/or don’t have insurance coverage.